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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 23, 2015 5:50pm-6:24pm PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> larry: tonightly -- president obama appoints the first openly gay leader of a u.s. military branch. it's the biggest triumph for homosexual military leaders since dumbledore's army. [ laughter ]ilitary leaders lot of people didn't know that. [ laughter ] will the u.s. marines allow women to join ground-combat units? i know i'd sleep better at night if we sent "the real housewives of new jersey" after isis. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and frito-lay introduces the first gay-themed snack chip. [ laughter ] pringles responded with "wait a minute. we thought we were being clear. the mustache wasn't enough?" [ laughter ] this is "the nightly show." let's do this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> larry: yeah! oh, my gosh. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. man, we've got a great show. [ audience chanting "larry" ] i appreciate it. thank you very much. i always appreciate the "larry, larry, larry, larry." [ laughter ] we've got a great show tonight, but before i get started, i wanted to mention something very quickly. i've been living in new york city for about a year now. great town. a little stinky during the summer but overall great town. [ laughter ] but yesterday, i saw what can only be described as the most new york moment in the history of new york. check this out. okay. this is a rat -- [ laughter ] did you see that? this is a rat pulling an entire slice of new york pizza down the
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steps -- look at that, man! look at that! [ laughter ] the slice is five times the size of the rat. and he's not remotely fazed by the fact that it's rush hour. he's just trying to catch his train. [ laughter ] and what's so amazing about this city is the people walking by are just getting out of his way. they're like, "we get it. we're all busy." [ laughter ] to me, it feels like that rat worked a long day doing rat stuff. just rattin' around town, and then on his way home, he stopped at ray's for a slice -- [ laughter ] right? [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah, "i'll take large slice to go. no need to heat it up. i got a train to catch." [ laughter ] one technical thing, though. i don't want to be nit-picky, but can you tell he wasn't a real new york city rat because he didn't fold the slice.
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[ applause ] [ laughter ] probably a tourist rat. i just didn't want to disrespect a real new york rat. is all i'm saying. [ laughter ] sadly, moving on to our non-rat top story tonight, the military may soon be celebrating a first that's almost as exciting for gay americans as this week's rollout of rainbow doritos in support of lgbt causes. >> the u.s. army is poised to have its first openly gay civilian leader. president obama has nominated longtime pentagon official eric fanning to be the next army secretary. fanning, who faces senate confirmation, would be the nation's first openly gay leader of any military branch. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: wow. wow. this is an historic moment! this was an army guy who started his career in the navy, and say what you want about the village people. [ laughter ] they predicted this 35 years ago with their prescient hit "in the
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navy," and they also came close to predicting gay doritos with their lesser-known "b" side "nacho, nacho man." [ laughter ] i defense know -- i don't know if you remember that. lesser known. [ laughter ] no, this is really great news, though. but some people are trying to drag eric fanning through the dirt like a slice of pizza on the back of a rat. [ laughter ] seriously, can you believe that rat? i'm so excited. [ laughter ] look how big that slice is! sorry. who's dragging fanning through the dirt? >> mike huckabee slamming eric fanning's nomination. in a statement saying this, the president is, quote, more interested in appeasing america's homosexuals than honoring america's heroes. [ audience boos ] >> larry: mike huckabee, you know that homosexual and hero aren't mutually exclusive terms, right? [ laughter ] [ applause ] let me -- just want to clear that up.
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let me give you an example of mutually exclusive terms. human and huckabee. see, those -- [ laughter ] those don't -- [ cheers and applause ] okay. huckabee also said, quote, homosexuality is not a job qualification. okay. is this hate speech or resume-building tip? i'm confused. as a reminder to you millennials out there trying to get a job, under special skills, excel, powerpoint, gay stuff -- any of those should go. [ laughter ] all right. so what nongay qualifications does this homosexual non-hero with his gaying-the-whole-army-up agenda have? >> fanning is currently the army undersecretary, the number two job, and previously served in leadership roles in the navy and air force. >> larry: the guy seems pretty well qualified. he's literally next in line. it's not like they found him on grinder. [ laughter ] right?
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but it ourns out to obama's not just making the mill tra tray military more gayer he's also trying to make it a little lady-er. and not everyone is happy about it. apparently the marines are battling government leaders in a fight to keep women out of combat roles. there's a little bit of a back story here. so let me break it down. two years ago, obama, as part of one of his obama-don't-care planks. [ laughter ] women in the military, can you go [ bleep ] yourself. [ laughter ] he decided that all military combat positions would be open to women by the year 2016. and believe it or not, not everyone in the marine corps is psyched about it. apparently, they don't like their "ooh-rahs" to have any "hoo-has." [ laughter ] the marine corps recently commissioned a $36 million study pitting all-male marine units against coed teams -- [ laughter ] oh, you like that "war and peace"? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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all-male marine units against coed teams in order to test women's combat readiness. here's what they found. >> the men's teams were faster, stronger, more lethal than the coed teams by a wide margin, scoring higher on 69% of all measured tasks. >> larry: head researchers were reportedly stunned by the 69% difference. [ laughter ] bro' researchers, on the other hand, high-fived and yelled, "whoo! 69!" [ laughter ] "69!" [ laughter ] but the differences don't end there. >> men are faster at combat maneuvers including clearing walls and evacuating casualties. men outshot women on the m4 rifle with a hit rate of 44% to 28%. >> larry: i have to say, the difference in gender aim was most surprising to me personally, because when it comes to urine, women's aim is vastly superior. [ laughter ] i'm just saying. from my own experience. i'm a little shocked at those numbers. i'm a little shocked. okay? naturally, the test results have caused lots of marines to balk
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at letting women into the combat ranks. the problem with this is that the marine test only gives us part of the whole story. secretary of the navy, ray mabus, called the marine corps study flawed and biased toward keeping women out of combat roles. besides that, killing people and running fast aren't the only important skills for soldiers to have. if they were, an army of oscar pistorius clones would be the most dominant superpower on earth. [ audience boos ] i'm not sure what that boo actually is. [ laughter ] i'm not quite sure. [ laughter ] and also, "the new york times" reports that a different study of the same marines showed that the female marines scored higher in mental resilience and had fewer mental health problems. the coed units also outperformed the all-male groups in making complex decisions. in other words, while men might be better at lifting heavy [ bleep ] with their arms, women are better at dealing with heavy [ bleep ] in their brains. and that's no easy task when yo
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[ cheers and applause ] and that's no easy task when you see and do the kinds of things soldiers see and do in wartime. i know some men out there might be hearing me say that women are smarter than men. that's not what i'm saying. what i'm saying and what the studies show is that men and women are each better at different things. and when men and women put their things together, it's better for everyone. that lesson and others are all written down in my new children's book "men and women putting their things together." [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] actually, it's not selling the way we hoped it would. probably should have rethought that title. thanks for the extra clap. i appreciate that. the after slap. [ laughter ] the bottom line is, being a marine requires a personal level of physical fitness. and even ray mabus, who runs the marines, believes that.
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if you set gender-neutral standards related to the job marines have to do, and you adhere to them, he said. it doesn't matter whether the marines who meet those standards are male or female. war is a nasty business. anybody who wants to sign up to protect this country and put their life on the line and are completely qualified, we should be saying thank you. [ cheers and applause ] right? i mean, seriously. they are fighting for our freedoms and for our right to watch "pizza rat." [ laughter ] let me tell you something. it doesn't take balls to fight. it takes courage. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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it's where brains meet brawn. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. she's a u.s. army veteran and purple heart recipient who served in iraq and afghanistan, elana duffy. he's a u.s. army veteran an [ cheers and applause ] elana duffy. he's a u.s. army veteran and also served in iraq and afghanistan, "the nightly show" contributor benari poulten. her new show "flipping virgins" airs tuesdays on hgtv, egypt sherrod. [ cheers and applause ] and his show "impractical jokers" airs thursdays on trutv, comedian sal vulcano. [ cheers and applause ] earlier in the show, we
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mentioned the military is facing a deadline to open up combat roles to women by 2016. a study found that units with both men and women did not perform as well as all-male units. alana, should women be serving at the front lines? >> we already do. it's not -- >> larry: what is the distinction being made? >> the distinction being made is just the job function. it's the title. it's what you're calling a person. is the person an infantry person or are they military police who are already there? so it's just a -- it's a job title and a standard that should be met. >> larry: but is this just a lot of blah, blah, blah, over nothing? >> well, i think that there is somewhat of an outdated mentality to and how we fight war. we're not fighting in the trenches. it's not 1944. you don't have like, got to send a letter home to my best gal! who's the president? hope the dodgers won the pennant.
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[ laughter ] so we need to update our thinking as well, because like she said, women are already there. i served with a lot of women. >> larry: what do we think the resistance is? is it the -- is it the layman's mentality? >> it shouldn't be resistance to women. it should be a resistance perhaps to an individual. it has nothing to do with men and women. there are going to be women that are more qualified than men. and men who are more qualified than women. i am not qualified. [ laughter ] the only thing we have in common with a woman that's qualified for the military is like my [ bleep ]. man breasts. >> larry: qualified or unqualified? >> it's the only thing i share in common. >> larry: how does this hit you? does this seem like we're making too much of this? >> honestly, it just feels like an age-old mentality that women have a place and should stay in it and that's taking care of the
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kids or cooking a good meal. we don't have that luxury anymore. i don't know what world people are living in when they still think like that. i mean, trust me, if my job just required me to be at home with my kids loving on them cooking a good meal, i would be in ef hadden. but today we're -- >> want to kill those kids sometimes. [ laughter ] >> but to buy the bacon, bring it home, cook it, wrap it up, serve it for leftovers, and in order do that, we have to be able to have the same opportunities and the same pay as men. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: are there real physical differences out there that can make a difference, difference between men and women that can make a difference in infantry? >> yeah. larry: talk about dragging the body out. >> you industrial to meet the physical standards. i hope i'm not sharing national security secrets here but i'm not the tallest soldier. i am adorable. [ laughter ] >> larry: how tall are you? 5'4".
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tall enough. >> larry: how much did you weigh when you were in the -- how much did you weigh? >> 130, 140. larry: right. so -- but i could probably fit in my ruck sack that i had to carry -- a rat carries a piece of pizza, everybody's like, go, rat! i'm like, get a move on, little man. [ laughter ] >> i used to teach marksmanship and rifle ranges, run grenade ranges and the only person in several years of doing this that ever fired a paint grenade, thank goodness, into a sandbag was a male. [ laughter ] so don't tell me that we might have some problems. >> perhaps we should look into pulling males out of the military. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> maybe we're focusing on the wrong topic. >> larry: is it okay to say that genders and different genders are better or worse at different things than others? is that okay to say that, or is
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that just wrong to say na? >> i think that's fine. i mean, but it also depends on the -- like, if i want to buy a house, i'm going to egypt. if i want to kick someone's ass, i'm going to -- >> i think generally speaking, yes, like generally speaking, we can't deny men are stronger. men tend to if be faster. but women, we also tend to be a little more cunning. we tend to be a little moore strategic and manipulative. aren't those also important when it comes to combat? >> larry: absolutely. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> not me. not me. >> i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> i have never met a manipulative woman. [ laughter ] i don't appreciate that. [ laughter ] >> larry: mm-hmm. would this be a different conversation if we still had the draft? >> no. larry: no? i don't think so. i really don't. because if women can serve and men can get drafted, so of the men that were drafted were not
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of the highest caliber that should have maybe volunteered. [ laughter ] >> i think maybe we wouldn't be so quick to go to war if we had a draft. [ cheers and applause ] maybe we'd think things through a little bit better. >> yeah. but that's the point too. >> larry: maybe there would be more women at the top of the military. instead of thinking about women dragging bodies out, maybe we'd have women making the decisions not to go there in the first place. [ cheers and applause ] >> but a lot of people -- they think, no. they think that we're -- so this is not just on the field. this is in corporate america too. will, we have to navigate so many different things. if we go into a situation and we approach it soft and then we're emotional. if we're hard, then we're the "b" word. if we command a certain level of respect, all of a sudden we're a diva. we play these mind games and have to navigate this on a daily basis. women in corporate america are in combat. >> i agree. [ cheers and applause ] i agree. >> larry: all right. we'll be right back.
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>> larry: welcome back. it's time for the segment we call "keep it 100." for everybody who doesn't know what that expression means, it means "keep it 100% real." [ laughter ] don't keep it 100% real, get a sticker. very simple. [ laughter ] i got a sticker.
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i love when people are so happy about it. okay, egypt. got to keep it 100. okay? you're first. >> you always get me with this one. >> larry: which of these fictitious heroes would you rather have save you? g.i. joe, g.i. jane or brian williams? which one of those -- [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] fictitious heroes. would you want to have save you. >> all right. i'm going to have to go with g.i. joe. >> larry: joe. i got to go with g.i. joe. i'm keeping it 100, right? >> larry: got to keep it 1 unhad. but you know what i'm going to do -- >> don't you dare. larry: you know what i'm going to do? because you just spent that whole speech talking about women and -- [ laughter ] you get a little -- [ laughter ] you didn't tell the truth. >> i did. thank you. >> larry: i'm gonna have a man save me. [ laughter ] okay, knowing everything you know now about your experiences
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in the army, would you do it again? >> yes, actual. -- absolutely. keeping it 100. [ cheers and applause ] honored to serve. >> larry: all right. very good. okay. alana. you wrote an article called, "you're not the easiest person to date, are you?" >> why does that keep coming up. larry: this is something somebody said to you? >> yes. larry: okay. all right. i just wanted to be sure about -- which is harder, war or dating you? [ laughter ] got to keep it 100. >> it depends on who you are really. >> larry: you were an interrogator. >> yeah. dating me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: come on. whoa! [ cheers and applause ] okay. sal, very important. you're in a burning building. >> oh, okay. larry: you can only save two of your cohorts from impractical jokers. okay?
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>> yes. larry: who do you save? joe,. >> i can save two. larry: yes. james murray is dying. larry: he's dying? yes, i don't even need to think about it. >> larry: really? i'm keeping it like 500 million. yes. >> larry: you're just going to let him know. >> you said i had to choose. larry: i know. but i -- [ laughter ] >> you gave me the parameters, and now you balk at my answer. >> larry: no, i just want to know why he has to to die. >> from "jump street" we've never really gotten along, larry. [ laughter ] >> when the opportunity presents itself -- >> you said i had to. so this is -- it's not on me. it's on you. [ laughter ] >> larry: i agree. you know what ob? [ cheers and applause ] chp we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab some free tickets come to the "the nightly show."
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[ cheers and applause ] >> larry: that's our show! i wanto thank our panelists, benari poulten, elana duffy, egypt sherrod, and sal vulcano. goodnightly, everyone! [ cheers and applause ]
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